This week, Top Ten Tuesday is having a “freebie” week, which means I get to pick whatever I like. By coincidence, the exact topic I have been yearning for is up in a couple of weeks anyway, so I looked through the list of past topics on The Broke and The Bookish and scrolled down until I found this gem.
Before commencing, I should issue a disclaimer of sorts: I have incredibly weird taste in names. I also already have a child, who, to prove my previous point, is named after a film about a pregnant teenager (it’s also the name of a vengeful Roman goddess, so either way, you get my point). If you read these names and think, “this woman needs to be jailed before she inflicts these monikers on innocent infants,” don’t worry: one is plenty for me!
10. Fitzwilliam (after Mr Darcy, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice)
Most people don’t know Mr Darcy even has a first name but he does and this is it. I have always thought this was an awesome name because a child called Fitzwilliam could be Fitz for short. Then my sister pointed out at least two rude words which rhymed with it and said he’d get bullied at school. What a sad world we live in.
9. Ismene (from Sophocles’ Antigone)
If you read the disclaimer at the start, you’ll realise I have no sense of what is genuinely inappropriate in the naming of a child. Hence my belief that it would be socially acceptable to name a baby after a product of incest whose siblings all died tragically.
8. Albany (from Shakespeare’s King Lear)
Everyone in King Lear is pretty reprehensible, apart from Albany, Kent and Edgar: the last three standing at the end when everybody has died tragically. Kent almost sounds like a swear-word and he announces that he’s basically too sad about Lear dying to be any use anyway, so I’m obviously not naming non-existent kids after him. Albany, however, is a dude; having been royally cuckolded by Goneril (not an acceptable name, even to me) throughout, the play’s end sees Albany assuming the role of Total Badass, taking names and basically tidying up everyone else’s shit. He is cool.
7. Hero (from Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing)
Hero is much less fun than Beatrice, who gets all the best lines, but she has a far prettier name. And children should be given something to live up to in order to ensure they don’t waste their lives.
6. Tennessee (after Tennessee Williams)
Before my daughter was named after the pregnant teenager, she was going to be called Tennessee. Mainly after the state, but also because I love Tennessee Williams and had managed to conceal from my husband what an inappropriate person he would be to name a child after. Sadly, someone decided Tennessee was too hard for a child to spell (I think that someone actually thought it would be too hard for him to spell) and that’s how she ended up with a name that nobody thinks is even a word.
5. Sylvia (after Sylvia Plath)
Yes, I clearly think it is a good plan to name children after writers with psychological problems who killed themselves. Sylvia was vetoed from the middle name suggestion list for my daughter by that fascist I’m married to. Apparently the pregnant teenager thing is fine, but calling her after someone who bites people’s faces at first meetings is too much.
4. Quincey (after Quincey Morris in Bram Stoker’s Dracula)
Quincey is my favourite of the Vampire Death Squad in Dracula. He’s from Texas so he’s super-chill, probably lives on a ranch and is the best one. My Head of Faculty has a cat called Quincey so it would be kind of weird to call a child this, but it is an equally good name for a feline, I suppose.
3. Enjolras (after the character from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables)
I love Enjolras. All his revolutionary angst gives me feelings I’d prefer not to discuss publicly. He’s also awesome in the musical and I would quite happily die in the French Revolution if he asked me to. Imagine being a baby called Enjolras! I am pretty sure that kid would thank me as soon as he was old enough to speak.
2. Mina (after Mina Harker in Stoker’s Dracula)
Yes, more Dracula, and another name I genuinely would call a human. I am not making any more humans though, so we are getting a kitten and calling her Mina. Mina the kitten, despite probably not actually having been born yet, has been a fixture in this house for some time. The child likes to pretend to be Mina, I think in order to test out my responses to various potential cat-situations. It is intense.
- Eponine (after the character from Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables)
Look, I’m just REALLY into Les Miserables, okay? And Eponine is the best character in the whole damn thing. She’s a sneaky thief, and who doesn’t love one of them? Her parents are horrendous, so it’s really easy to sympathise with her. And she’s in love with Marius, who inexplicably doesn’t realise this and gets off with Cosette instead, which is one of the worst decisions a literary character has ever made, but does mean the song ‘On My Own’ was written, thus giving me something to wail along to when I was at uni and everybody else was out having fun or something. I would ABSOLUTELY call a child or possible subsequent cat Eponine. So don’t steal it.
Do you have wildly inappropriate ideas for the naming of hypothetical children? Please tell me in the comments so I know I’m not alone. If you are so inspired by my naming skills that you want to use any of these, I won’t demand visitation rights or anything. I’m chill like that.